Sunday, March 27, 2005

...it's a fucking miracle with roma fucking downey...

Legend has it that the last words of 60's pop sensation Adam Faith were:
- 'Channel 5 is all shit, isn't it? Christ, the crap they put on there. It's a waste of space'
whereupon he promptly suffered an apoplexy and died.

The ghost of poor old Adam should count itself lucky that he wasn't watching RealityTV at the time of his death: he'd never have got the expletives out before collapsing in disgust, and would have missed out on the immortality that his wonderful final outburst has brought him.

"It's a Miracle", a mainstay of the RealityTV schedules, inhabits a world where coincidences aren't coincidences, and where dead relatives and God intervene in tandem on a daily basis to save bible-belt Americans from certain disaster. Each miracle is prefaced by a short intro from the lovely Roma Downey (originally from the Republic of Ireland, lending it some Catholic authenticity), who you may recognise from shows such as "Touched by an Angel" on the Disney Channel in the US and the Hallmark (yes - the same company that sell the greetings cards) channel in the UK.

My mother loves this show, and because my tiny room at home can scarcely accomodate my overweight corpse let alone my computer, I have to put up with it (and all the other utter shite broadcast on this channel) in the background whenever I'm wasting time on the internet.

Today's edition was typical of the show in general. It told the story of a woman who'd managed to lock herself out of her house, which then caught fire with her child inside. Her explanation of how she found her keys ran thusly: "I couldn't find them anywhere and I was sure my baby was going to die, and then I looked through the window and saw my mother's photograph on the ledge. I'm sure it was mom looking down on me from heaven who put the idea in my head to pray to St. John, because St. John is the Saint of lost things. So I got down on my knees and prayed to St. John and when I opened my eyes I looked down and there were my keys right on the floor in front of me. I'm convinced that God and my mother helped me save my baby."

I shit ye not.

I really have got to get the fuck out of Weston-super-Mare.