Sunday, May 16, 2004

...i have finally had the idea that will make me millions...

I call it "Dr. Beast's eat whatever the fuck you want diet revolution".

You see, traditional diets have worked (or not worked, as the case may be) by refining the balance between energy intake and use. My illustrious predecessor Dr. Atkins made a fortune by ditching this paradigm and instead adjusting the way in which the body responds to energy intake, but his diet still had the major drawback of (more-or-less-)banned foods.

I intend to revolutionise the diet industry by moving to a simple mass flow model. The diet works thusly - each time you shit you weigh your stools. Your next meal may then consist of anything you like provided it does not exceed this mass. Each time you undershoot, the mass of your next shit decreases as a result and the weightloss process accelerates. The eventual end point of the diet is anorexia - instead of becoming thin, you become too thin (and incapable of eating) and gain membership of the most widely envied social group in western society. The beauty of the idea is that it is so simple that even the simple will be able to follow it, ending at a stroke the problem of obesity amongst those too stupid or illiterate to understand a "Nutrition Information" table.

The need to determine the mass of one's stool is admittedly something of a drawback from a practical point of view, but is an absolute gift for merchandising. In the same way that Dr. Akins made a fortune selling a special range of low-carb foods, I shall introduce my own range of weight-loss related tools: the convenient, handbag-sized "Dr. Beast's Dirt Box Balance" for out-and-about turd weighing, "Dr. Beast's Manicure-Friendly Rubber Gloves", with accomodation built in for the fashionable lady's long fingernails, and last (but not least) "Dr. Beast's Titanium Turd Tongs".

California, here I come...